#8: What gets you down?
I enjoy being alone. I am a selfish, solitary creature. I’m on a horse.
A Sagittarius. A Skunk. An ENTP personality.
If you really want to know me — for real — better than anyone else, read through these three pages. I know that the pseudosciences tend to cue a cascade of eye rolls for many people, myself included. Often they are written in such a way, casting a wide net, that hoodwinks people into personal identification. But, that is not the case for me. The “analysis” of my personality is completely, unimpeachably accurate. Absolutely nothing is erroneous, not even the slightest. The people who wrote this shit may as well’ve been inside my god damned head.
But, I digress.
Let’s start over: I enjoy being alone.
There is a method to how I like to live. I don’t spend time with people, or in places, that don’t excite me. I don’t stay in regular touch with my friends and family, all of whom are scattered around the world. I don’t dress up for Halloween, or decorate my dwellings according to the occasion, or buy into any of the circular cultural pablum shamelessly masquerading as liturgy and propriety.
I don’t like to confirm plans too far ahead. I don’t like the finality of it. I am a “maybe” person. If I’m there then great; if not, c’est la vie. I’m not dependable that way. I won’t always be there. Don’t ask me to help you move, or pick you up from the airport, or feed your cat while you’re on holiday. I mean, I might do it, but I won’t like it.
However, paradoxically, I am also very social; an extrovert who loves people and constantly craves attention, admiration, and validation from others. In particular, I cherish friendships. Old and new. Serious and casual. Platonic and sexual. The development and fortification of these connections is, for me — along with everyone else in the world — a very precious thing indeed.
So, what gets me down?
The intersection — and subsequent collision — of these disparaging realities is what does, and has, and will again, get me down. I’m just not a very good friend. I’ve learned this lesson slowly and painfully over the last several years. Even though I love my friends, and want to be there for them, I’m not good at it.
Why? Because I refuse to change. I refuse to dance to the beat of any drum that is not my own. I don’t want to do the things that friends (are supposed to) do in order to maintain their friendships. The colossal depression I went through in 2018 could have been avoided if I had stayed in better touch with my friends from high school. But I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to, but because that’s not who I am. I’m on a horse.
I am the pieinthesky, headintheclouds, thinkshesthesmartestguyintheroom asshole who is actually not an asshole at all. The very few people who have understood this about me continue to give me hope that I will find others with whom I can develop strong connections, and maintain a lasting friendship, without having to do any maintenance at all.
Wishful thinking? You’re probably right. The majority of people won’t want to invest in a person like me. A selfish, self-sufficient, transient person who will enthral and delight today, but is nowhere to be found, seen, or heard from tomorrow.
I don’t envision any real change in the future. I will likely go to the grave with less than a handful of humans to whom I really matter. It is difficult to be loved when you don’t put in the work. That’s what I’ve been told. But, what about being loved for exactly who you are? Because, I’m not going to change, I love who I am. Other people aren’t going to change either, they love who they are.
And that realization, is what gets me down.
[This personality type] may not be universally liked, but they are certainly a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, they are also likely to be misunderstood. Because of their uncommon set of traits and skills, they often have to be social chameleons, putting on mask after mask when presenting themselves to the world. A stunning 83.73% of this group say they feel like no one really understands them.
