#28: How do you deal with the remains of resentment?
If cutting people out of your life (an old-favourite, destructive habit of mine) is off the table, then I would say: talk about it.
It’s amazing how effective an honest conversation can be in terms of clearing the air, venting out unexpressed emotions, and dealing with the remains of resentment.
There are generally two kinds of people: those who want to talk about it, and those who’d rather not. There are a variety of reasons why some people prefer to ‘move past something’ without talking about it, and the reasons vary with each individual. One of the more fundamental of these is a person’s general personality; specifically: a lack of introspective ethic. Some people (many people?) simply don’t like to examine what — and more importantly why — they are feeling. It’s not easy. It calls for being honest with yourself, as well as delving into internal areas that you generally never venture into. People like this really could use therapy more than others.
Another reason, even more common than the last, why many avoid having “the hard” or “the unvarnished” conversation is simply because they think that the confrontation will be awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing. Their pre-frontal cortex goes into overdrive and they start imagining and concocting all manner of crazy and exaggerated possible outcomes of how the interaction will go.
This is especially true of partners and close friends. You don’t want to ‘rock the boat’, hurt someone’s feelings, bring something up that might make matters worse, or even jeopardize the relationship — so you just prefer to avoid it entirely. Sweep it under the psychological rug and just learn to live with having a lumpy rug.
Problem is, most people are very bad at imagining how a conversation will go. They just assume the worst, they assume crazy things that don’t ever happen.
Think about someone dealing with self-esteem issues trying to work up the courage to ask a person out on a date. More often than not, people’s fears stop them from action because they’ve allowed their imaginations to run completely fucking wild. What if she laughs at me? What if she makes fun of me? What if she throws a drink my face? I couldn’t handle that. Best play it safe and not even go over there.
People really think that way. I know, because I used to think that way.
And so: let’s avoid it. I won’t tell my partner that their behaviour of late has been putting me off, or that I am unsatisfied with our sexual chemistry. I won’t tell my best friend that I can’t stand hearing about her school project, lest she think I am a bad friend, so I’ll just shut up and listen and secretly slow-cook up some resentment.
The truth is, an honest conversation is all it takes. Radical Honesty. No holds barred. Put it all out on the table. Do it respectfully, without derision or mockery, but do it honestly. You would be astounded at how well conversations can go, how open people are when you are honest and vulnerable with them. This is especially true of lingering resentments that you carry with you all the time. A brief, open conversation about the issue may well untangle all the feelings from within and put the matter to bed for good. For real.
Be honest with people — be radically honest with them — and they will love you (even if they hate you a little at first).
